Look what I just got in the mail...

This is going to be awesome. I can only imagine the looks I'm going to get by the people on their Madone's when I crush their asses while wearing this. I almost think this may be bad for the sport of cycling. These people will probably never ride a bike again they'll be so demoralized when I drop the HAMMER on their ass.



Wife: "So honey, how was your group ride today?"
Demoralized husband: "I'd rather not talk about it..."
Wife: "Why, did you get dropped from the front group?"
Demoralized husband: "Not just me, the whole group did"
Wife: "Did one of those pro guys show up to stroke their ego by riding with middle-aged slightly overweight riders?"
Demoralized husband: "Actually, what hurts the most is that we all got dropped by a guy that was fatter than that kilt-wearing Scottish character in that Austin Powers movie. I think I really could have 'got in his bellllllyyyy (said in Scottish accent)'"
Wife: "Well I always told you that cycling wasn't your thing"


Little will they know that there's actually a V-12 engine under that fat suit. Cat3Phenom strikes again!

Racing P/1/2/3

Man I love when race organizers set up a P/1/2/3 race. It really allows us badass Ultimate Cat rider to show the P/1/2 guys how big of mistake it was for them to 'upgrade.'

Raced last weekend in a P/1/2/3 race, got second place. Now you may think second place is bad, but it really just goes to show how awesome of a teammate I am. Had a team member up the road on a solo break. He must have attacked while I was still getting kit'ed up for the race, because I attacked from the gun only to hear on team radio that we already had a guy up the road.

Anyway, we have one up the road, so I play wingman. Aka - someone tries to attack and chase our solo rider, I hop on board. The looks on these Cat 1 racers faces when each time they attack with all their heart, only to look back and see that a member of the Ultimate Cat is in tow. Eventually, all of the morale was taken out of this chase group since none could get away without the Cat3Phenom caboose hitched to their rear wheel.

Once I saw that all morale was gone, I leapt from the group - leaving a cloud of "Racers" in my dust. It was awesome - first race of the year, 2nd place finish. I'm pretty sure I could have caught my teammate up the road, but since we split prize money anyway, there was no need.

After the race, we all did the usual gather around our vehicles and tell the 18 different perspectives that everyone had about the race. Although nobody came right out and said it, I could tell they were all looking at me with that envious look on their face. They were amazed at how strong a Cat 3 rider could be. The looks on their faces was worth more than any amount of prize money.

Hopefully they could read the look on my face, which was clearly telling all those P/1/2 riders that they had made a huge mistake by leaving the Ultimate Cat. At least they now know when an "Upgrade" is really a "Downgrade." They know who the real strongmen are.

Well, off to fill my tubes with H2O (water for you non-scientific people). This allows me to take my weekly training to a whole new level, and allows me to actually get a workout on group rides.

New season is upon us...

Wow! Can't believe 2009 Racing season is now upon us. I'm going to be all Up-On my bike, just like I've been all winter. 2008 was a great season - I'm looking forward to all the new faces of the 'Recent upgrades.' Those Cat 4 pansies don't know what's about to hit them in the Ultimate Cat.

Here's a General Warning to all you 'Recent Upgrades':

Stay the F-Outta-My-Way!

If you did not win every race that you entered in the Cat 4's, do not even try and get to the start line early because the front row is not for winners, not losers.

If the races you won were only because "you were in good position and raced smart," kindly stay away from the front of the race in the Ultimate Cat. Races in this category are not won by bike handling skills and smart racing. They are won by being kickass like me.

If you learn about race strategy from any of the bike forums (bikeforums.net,roadbikereview.com, etc) please don't even bother showing up. I've seen the advice on those damn forums, and it is the advice of losers.

Example Post and Response from those forums:
OP:Hey all, I've got a crit coming up this Saturday. It's going to have four corners and probably around 50 people in it. This is going to be my first race, and I'm just wanting some tips and advice. Thanks in advance! Cheers!

Member1: Try and stay near the front, in the first 15 riders or so. Don't be afraid to get dropped, almost everyone gets dropped their first race. Good luck!

Member2: If you haven't done any group rides before, it might be best to stay closer to the back so that you don't injure yourself or wreck anybody else.

OP: Yeah, that was my plan Member2 - I was going to stay near the back to get used to riding in the group. My goal is just to finish the race and not get pulled.

Member3: Just go out there and have fun. If you get dropped, you get dropped. Like Member1 said, everyone gets dropped their first race.

OP: Thanks for all the responses! You've been such a great help. I'll let you know how things go. Hopefully I won't get dropped on the first lap, but I probably will because I've listened to the advice of losers.

Lastly, enjoy your time in the Ultimate Category. Remember, if you can win races in the Cat 3's, you are destined for greatness.

I'm off to fix up my wheels for this weekends race. I like to place chain lube on my wheels where the brakes pads rub so I don't accidentally brake and slow myself down during the race. If you want to have any chance of winning, I recommend you do the same.

Bought a power meter

Yep, bit the bullet and bought a power tap. It was used and a great price, so I had to do it.

There's so much that you can do with a power meter with regards to training. There's some sweet software out there that will let you know how much intensity you have during your workouts, the duration, your peak 1sec, 5sec, you name it sec watts you're putting out.

This software I'm speaking of will let a cyclist know, through line graphs, pie charts, and bar graphs how long was spent in different training zones and cadence speeds.

Athletes can use this to let them know when it is time to train harder, and when it is time to take a break. You can see if your power is decreasing, increasing, or hitting a plateau.

Many people buy these power meters so that they can properly pace themselves during time trials, using their functional threshold power (FTP) as a baseline for their effort.

You can use this thing to see what intensities you raced at, and the different lengths of time you were at those power levels so that you can then replicate this in your workouts.

People buy these things for a variety of different reasons.

I bought mine just to confirm what I already knew - that I am totally BADASS!

Guess I can sell this thing now.

Cycling Forum Douchebags

Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has noticed the amazing number of douchebags on cycling forums.

Instead of having them called 'cycling forums,' I vote to have them renamed, "If you stroke my fat, slow, pansy-ass cycling ego, I'll stroke yours more."

Let me know what you think.

My how time flies when you're kicking ass and taking names. The life of the Cat 3 Phenom has been nothing but great the past few months. I totally forgot that I even had a blog. I guess that's what happens when you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to cycling.


Short recap:
I was unfortunately forced to get a job due to the sole reason that race payouts for the 'Ultimate Cat' are despicable. I'm going to spend this off season working on petitions to combine the payouts for P/1/2 races and Cat 4 races, and give all of that race money to the Cat 3 race. We deserve it. The rest of those pansy boys can fight it out for the meager pickin's that they usually award us amazing 3's.



Be sure to sign the petitions when they come your way.



Some things I learned racing this year in the Ultimate Cat:



1. I really am a cycling phenom.



2. Yellow line rule is made for people who suck at life



3. Drinking 8 or more beers the night before a race is not only great race preparation, but in fact improves results. Need more details, just ask.



4. You do not have to train 16+ hours a week to be a Cat 3 Phenom, in fact, 8 hours is probably too much



Not sure if you're a phenom or not??? Here is an easy test:



First, buy a cycling license and spend the next two months upgrading to the Ultimate Cat.



Next, only train for 7 hours a week. This includes race time.



Finally, if you are able to crush/destroy/obliterate all those you race against, CONGRATULATIONS, you too are a cycling phenom.



Something else I have learned...Never pay attention to anything you read on the numerous cycling forums. They are filled with fat, d-bags who couldn't ride their way out of a paper bag. Have a race coming up and want some advice, shout me a holla (that means message me for you uncool old bastards)! I'll let you know exactly what you need to do to dominate those sissies toeing the line next to you.



I'll be posting again shortly, so check back.

Out of Town Group Rides

So I was on vacation this past weekend, and my bike was with me on the trip. I'm sure this would come as no surprise to all you like-minded racers out there. The only thing was, I did not take my regular racing bike. Instead, my old-school 80's Schwinn graced the bed of my truck.

Now, beings that I was in a new place, nobody knew who I was. This meant that they had no idea about the amazing power I am able to produce for rediculous amounts of time. I showed up to the local meeting spot (called the bike shop to find this out) for the Saturday hammerfest, wearing my athletic shorts over my bibs, and a T-shirt over my jersey.

You all can probably imagine the looks I received, as well as the warnings about the fast pace of the ride. One of the locals even tried to convince me I should wait up for the 'B' ride (cycling term for a ride that is filled with slow losers) so I wouldn't get dropped. I played dumb and pretended like I would do my best to hold on to the pace.

As soon as the ride rolled out of the parking lot, I began to drop the hammer. I glanced back to see the destruction that my quads were causing to the group, and the looks on their faces were priceless. The group was completely strung out.

I slowed down, just to give them hope, then launched another attack just before they caught back on my wheel. One guy was able to jump across (He must have been a former world champion to accomplish this), so I slammed on my brakes and swerved in order to shake him off my wheel. I then accelerated and left him in my dust.

I slowed again, just so these people could see how awesome of a bike rider I was. I kept myself about 100 meters off the front of the group for the rest of the ride.

At the end of the ride, I made sure to let the guy on the Colnago know that he was just demolished by a person on a $15 dollar bike. Man he must feel worthless. Talk about a waste of a great bike.

Overall, I think I really impressed everyone on the ride with my amazing speed and power. I bet they talk about my greatness for weeks to come.

The guy that I swerved in front of was a little unhappy, but I told him that it was not my fault he wasn't a good bike handler. He'd never make it in the Ultimate Cat.

I would recommend that the rest of you do the same next time you head to a new place where nobody knows how great you are. Fool them into believing that you suck because of the bike you ride, then shred their legs to bits.

Well, I'm off to scuff my beater bike up a little more. I want to make sure it looks even crappier for my next out of town group ride. Those losers don't know what's coming.