Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Little strategy for you folks

So, just wanted to give you folks a small pointer for your next race or hammerfest. Make sure you take some bubble gum with you. It can be sugar-free if you're a pansy and worry about cavities. Personally, I recommend this.

Yank out a big wad right before the ride or race begins and begin to gnaw on it like the big leaguers in the 80's used to. This serves two purposes. First, you look like a kickass big leaguer.

Second, the chewing that you are doing while you are riding, although wasting small amounts of energy, provides a decoy in case you do begin breathing hard. They see you your mouth open because you have such a kickass wad of gum in it, when really your mouth is open because you are gasping for breath.

They're over there with their air intake (cycling term for mouth) wide open trying to get as much oxygen as possible. You can tell they're at their limit and struggling. You too are at your limit and struggling - but thanks to the 'big league' trick provided by Cat3Phenom, nobody is the wiser.

Good luck out there. Please report back with success stories!

Ultimate Cat Roll-Call?

Just wondering if we could get an Ultimate Cat roll call going. Just state what general region you race in, how long you've been an elite member, and anything else that you'd like. Any awesome stories that help prove what we already know about Cat 3 racing? Feel free to share.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Look what I just got in the mail...

This is going to be awesome. I can only imagine the looks I'm going to get by the people on their Madone's when I crush their asses while wearing this. I almost think this may be bad for the sport of cycling. These people will probably never ride a bike again they'll be so demoralized when I drop the HAMMER on their ass.

Wife: "So honey, how was your group ride today?"
Demoralized husband: "I'd rather not talk about it..."
Wife: "Why, did you get dropped from the front group?"
Demoralized husband: "Not just me, the whole group did"
Wife: "Did one of those pro guys show up to stroke their ego by riding with middle-aged slightly overweight riders?"
Demoralized husband: "Actually, what hurts the most is that we all got dropped by a guy that was fatter than that kilt-wearing Scottish character in that Austin Powers movie. I think I really could have 'got in his bellllllyyyy (said in Scottish accent)'"
Wife: "Well I always told you that cycling wasn't your thing"

Little will they know that there's actually a V-12 engine under that fat suit. Cat3Phenom strikes again!

Racing P/1/2/3

Man I love when race organizers set up a P/1/2/3 race. It really allows us badass Ultimate Cat rider to show the P/1/2 guys how big of mistake it was for them to 'upgrade.'

Raced last weekend in a P/1/2/3 race, got second place. Now you may think second place is bad, but it really just goes to show how awesome of a teammate I am. Had a team member up the road on a solo break. He must have attacked while I was still getting kit'ed up for the race, because I attacked from the gun only to hear on team radio that we already had a guy up the road.

Anyway, we have one up the road, so I play wingman. Aka - someone tries to attack and chase our solo rider, I hop on board. The looks on these Cat 1 racers faces when each time they attack with all their heart, only to look back and see that a member of the Ultimate Cat is in tow. Eventually, all of the morale was taken out of this chase group since none could get away without the Cat3Phenom caboose hitched to their rear wheel.

Once I saw that all morale was gone, I leapt from the group - leaving a cloud of "Racers" in my dust. It was awesome - first race of the year, 2nd place finish. I'm pretty sure I could have caught my teammate up the road, but since we split prize money anyway, there was no need.

After the race, we all did the usual gather around our vehicles and tell the 18 different perspectives that everyone had about the race. Although nobody came right out and said it, I could tell they were all looking at me with that envious look on their face. They were amazed at how strong a Cat 3 rider could be. The looks on their faces was worth more than any amount of prize money.

Hopefully they could read the look on my face, which was clearly telling all those P/1/2 riders that they had made a huge mistake by leaving the Ultimate Cat. At least they now know when an "Upgrade" is really a "Downgrade." They know who the real strongmen are.

Well, off to fill my tubes with H2O (water for you non-scientific people). This allows me to take my weekly training to a whole new level, and allows me to actually get a workout on group rides.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

New season is upon us...

Wow! Can't believe 2009 Racing season is now upon us. I'm going to be all Up-On my bike, just like I've been all winter. 2008 was a great season - I'm looking forward to all the new faces of the 'Recent upgrades.' Those Cat 4 pansies don't know what's about to hit them in the Ultimate Cat.

Here's a General Warning to all you 'Recent Upgrades':

  • Stay the F-Outta-My-Way!

  • If you did not win every race that you entered in the Cat 4's, do not even try and get to the start line early because the front row is not for winners, not losers.

  • If the races you won were only because "you were in good position and raced smart," kindly stay away from the front of the race in the Ultimate Cat. Races in this category are not won by bike handling skills and smart racing. They are won by being kickass like me.

  • If you learn about race strategy from any of the bike forums (bikeforums.net,roadbikereview.com, etc) please don't even bother showing up. I've seen the advice on those damn forums, and it is the advice of losers.
      Example Post and Response from those forums:
      OP:Hey all, I've got a crit coming up this Saturday. It's going to have four corners and probably around 50 people in it. This is going to be my first race, and I'm just wanting some tips and advice. Thanks in advance! Cheers!

      Member1: Try and stay near the front, in the first 15 riders or so. Don't be afraid to get dropped, almost everyone gets dropped their first race. Good luck!

      Member2: If you haven't done any group rides before, it might be best to stay closer to the back so that you don't injure yourself or wreck anybody else.

      OP: Yeah, that was my plan Member2 - I was going to stay near the back to get used to riding in the group. My goal is just to finish the race and not get pulled.

      Member3: Just go out there and have fun. If you get dropped, you get dropped. Like Member1 said, everyone gets dropped their first race.

      OP: Thanks for all the responses! You've been such a great help. I'll let you know how things go. Hopefully I won't get dropped on the first lap, but I probably will because I've listened to the advice of losers.

  • Lastly, enjoy your time in the Ultimate Category. Remember, if you can win races in the Cat 3's, you are destined for greatness.

    I'm off to fix up my wheels for this weekends race. I like to place chain lube on my wheels where the brakes pads rub so I don't accidentally brake and slow myself down during the race. If you want to have any chance of winning, I recommend you do the same.
  • Wednesday, August 27, 2008

    Bought a power meter

    Yep, bit the bullet and bought a power tap. It was used and a great price, so I had to do it.

    There's so much that you can do with a power meter with regards to training. There's some sweet software out there that will let you know how much intensity you have during your workouts, the duration, your peak 1sec, 5sec, you name it sec watts you're putting out.

    This software I'm speaking of will let a cyclist know, through line graphs, pie charts, and bar graphs how long was spent in different training zones and cadence speeds.

    Athletes can use this to let them know when it is time to train harder, and when it is time to take a break. You can see if your power is decreasing, increasing, or hitting a plateau.

    Many people buy these power meters so that they can properly pace themselves during time trials, using their functional threshold power (FTP) as a baseline for their effort.

    You can use this thing to see what intensities you raced at, and the different lengths of time you were at those power levels so that you can then replicate this in your workouts.

    People buy these things for a variety of different reasons.

    I bought mine just to confirm what I already knew - that I am totally BADASS!

    Guess I can sell this thing now.

    Friday, August 22, 2008

    Cycling Forum Douchebags

    Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has noticed the amazing number of douchebags on cycling forums.

    Instead of having them called 'cycling forums,' I vote to have them renamed, "If you stroke my fat, slow, pansy-ass cycling ego, I'll stroke yours more."

    Let me know what you think.