So I was on vacation this past weekend, and my bike was with me on the trip. I'm sure this would come as no surprise to all you like-minded racers out there. The only thing was, I did not take my regular racing bike. Instead, my old-school 80's Schwinn graced the bed of my truck.
Now, beings that I was in a new place, nobody knew who I was. This meant that they had no idea about the amazing power I am able to produce for rediculous amounts of time. I showed up to the local meeting spot (called the bike shop to find this out) for the Saturday hammerfest, wearing my athletic shorts over my bibs, and a T-shirt over my jersey.
You all can probably imagine the looks I received, as well as the warnings about the fast pace of the ride. One of the locals even tried to convince me I should wait up for the 'B' ride (cycling term for a ride that is filled with slow losers) so I wouldn't get dropped. I played dumb and pretended like I would do my best to hold on to the pace.
As soon as the ride rolled out of the parking lot, I began to drop the hammer. I glanced back to see the destruction that my quads were causing to the group, and the looks on their faces were priceless. The group was completely strung out.
I slowed down, just to give them hope, then launched another attack just before they caught back on my wheel. One guy was able to jump across (He must have been a former world champion to accomplish this), so I slammed on my brakes and swerved in order to shake him off my wheel. I then accelerated and left him in my dust.
I slowed again, just so these people could see how awesome of a bike rider I was. I kept myself about 100 meters off the front of the group for the rest of the ride.
At the end of the ride, I made sure to let the guy on the Colnago know that he was just demolished by a person on a $15 dollar bike. Man he must feel worthless. Talk about a waste of a great bike.
Overall, I think I really impressed everyone on the ride with my amazing speed and power. I bet they talk about my greatness for weeks to come.
The guy that I swerved in front of was a little unhappy, but I told him that it was not my fault he wasn't a good bike handler. He'd never make it in the Ultimate Cat.
I would recommend that the rest of you do the same next time you head to a new place where nobody knows how great you are. Fool them into believing that you suck because of the bike you ride, then shred their legs to bits.
Well, I'm off to scuff my beater bike up a little more. I want to make sure it looks even crappier for my next out of town group ride. Those losers don't know what's coming.
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2 comments:
Well done.
May I suggest that you include tube socks to complete the look.
that's so retro it's stylish, the Schwinn bike with the 70's gym shorts and tee shirt. I can only guess the riders you destroyed are probably out scouring the local Salvation Army stores right now looking for a pair of those gym shorts. And tomorrow morning they'll be hitting up all the yard sales looking a bike similar to yours.
I still have my old Sears Ted Williams 10 speed in storage. Your story has inspired me to take it out of retirement and jump into next week's A ride. I don't think I'm at the same level you are, but it'll be fun bruising egos, especially Tad who showed up at last week's ride with his new Pinarello Prince.
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