So I'm a Coach Now

Got my first official coaching gig yesterday. Funny thing is, I wasn't even trying to become a cycling coach. But I guess this is what happnes when you are the greatest cyclist around.

I feel like that old MJ commercial - "Like Mike, if I could be like Mike. I wanna be, wanna be like Mike, like Mike. If I could be like Mike." I guess I've become the Michael Jordan of cycling.

Warning - Please do not confuse this with the douche-bag "Michael" that I discussed in an earlier post. I'm talking about the greatest basketball player of all time.

So the guy is a person from one of the local group rides. Let's just say he sucks a little bit of ass, but he wants to get better. I almost turned him down, because I don't like being affiliated with people who suck. Apparently he wants a training program that will allow him to be competitive in the 'I'm not good enough to actually race' rides that he does.

Like I've mentioned in earlier posts, I'm a winner. Winners only hang out with winners - but I'm making an exception because the price was right. Although I told him he's not allowed to pretend like he knows me.

So I've got this old guys program all set up, and I thought I'd go ahead and post it up here for all to see.

Consider yourself lucky, this is the same program that I perform every week. If it's good enough for me to dominate in the 'Ulitimate Cat,' then it's definitely good enough for him. And it's also good enough for the rest of you. No need to read Friel's book. This will work for all riders.

Monday: 2.5 Hours - 1 min all-out sprint, 30 sec rest. Repeat for the entire workout
Tuesday 4 Hours - Complete 3, 40K maximal effort TT's. Finish off with 5, 15 minute hill climb intervals
Wednesday: 1 hour of squats followed by 2 hours of power intervals
Thursday: 3 hours of counter-attacking your own attacks. No recovery in between.
Friday: 4 hour ride, keeping your average mph above 21 while wearing 10 lb ankle weights.
Saturday: Sign up and win your race. Never allow anyone else to take a pull.
Sunday: Show up to the local group ride on your mountain bike and proceed to call out, then drop, the fastest roadie there.

I don't believe in recovery days. Recovery is for pussies.

I also don't believe in warm-ups, or cool-downs. Those are for pussies.

If you feel you need to warm-up or cool-down, please do the following:

1. Go down to your local supermarket and find the feminine product isle
2. Find the biggest tube of vagisil they have, and then grab two
3. Walk to the cash register, and pull your money out of your purse
4. Pay for the vagisil, go home, and apply to whatever body part requires a warm-up or cool-down.
5. Repeat step 4 until your pussitis goes away, and then hop on your bike and drop the hammer.

Well, time to go do a little bit of carbo loading. I don't have an official race this weekend, so I'm gong to be crushing the spirits of the local group riders. I love to make them suffer.

Post on how to successfully counter-attack your own attack to come shortly.